I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
