I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
