My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
