Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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