ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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