Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize