textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
