The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
