Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
