did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
