Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
