it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
