Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
