worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
