the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
