It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
