make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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