Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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