My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
