So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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