I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I think my moral compass just broke
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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