so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
