Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
