i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
