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How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
