I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
