Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
