You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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