so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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