I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
