i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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