Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize