Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
