90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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