did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
