You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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