fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
