Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
