my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
