I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
you had me at cake vodka
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
