I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Randomize
