Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
