So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
