But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
birth control should be required to get into college
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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