we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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