Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
