I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
