omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
And then he peed in my hair
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