it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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