I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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