Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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