Kiss
Puke
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
