Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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