I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
