you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
