Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
